


Grieving

by MonPetitTresor



Series: fem!Spencer/Sam/Gabriel [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Protective Gabriel, Protective Sam, Sad Spencer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 13:45:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18099680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonPetitTresor/pseuds/MonPetitTresor
Summary: When Spencer goes back to her old life, she finds she can't hide from her grief any longer. Luckily, she doesn't have to do it alone





	Grieving

**Author's Note:**

> I found this in my files, already done, and I figured why not give you guys the oneshot of it. I have a few other bits I might clean up and post, hence why this is listed as 'yet another' series. I don't know if I'll ever post more, but if I clean up the bits when I get bored, I might.

Walking into the BAU was so much harder than Spencer had thought it would be.

She wasn’t sure what it was that she’d expected coming back to work. But walking in to find everyone so happy to see her, all of them hugging her and welcoming her back like nothing was wrong – like she hadn’t been out because of some big emergency – that definitely wasn’t it. Emily and JJ both hugged her right away, as did Penelope, and Derek actually picked her up when he hugged her. It was enough to have half of the people in the bullpen laughing at them and the other half either grinning or shaking their heads. It was Aaron dryly calling out “Morgan, put her down” that saved her.

Not a one of them seemed anything but happy to see her. They didn’t seem the least bit surprised by how she looked, either. Spencer had thought she’d prepared herself for that. That she’d prepared herself for the fact the spell would make everyone think she’d always been female.

She was wrong.

“So how’d the whole… thing… go?” JJ asked her quietly, moving in a little closer to keep her words private.

The others moved in as well. Spencer felt sort of trapped by her desk, surrounded by people who loved her and who were all trying valiantly not to look worried.

How on earth was she supposed to answer this? What did they remember? “My, thing?” Spencer clutched at her bag and chewed on the inside of her lip. What should she say here? What was the right question to ask that wouldn’t give too much away and wouldn’t also put them at risk considering the venue they were talking in. “Um, well uh, what do you guys… what do you remember?”

They all shared a look at her word choice. Spencer knew she should’ve done better; she just couldn’t think of a better way to phrase it. Her hands tightened on her bag as she looked at her team, who had formed a small half ring around her and her desk. “You were going to go meet up with your friends.” Derek finally said, answering a bit slowly as he watched her face, trying to read the expression there. “To help you with some kind of…curse.” He practically whispered the last word, looking around to make sure no one was close. “Something she did to you right before she died. You guys get it straightened out?”

“What did she do to you?” JJ asked, not even giving Spencer time to answer Derek’s question. “You never told us.”

Spencer went still. So, they knew she’d been cursed somehow, only they didn’t remember what it was or what it’d done to her. They just thought it was some sort of curse. Spencer couldn’t explain why that thought was like a fist to the gut. She’d known they wouldn’t remember even if she hadn’t known how it would work. Why was it bothering her now? This was for the better! They wouldn’t remember that she’d been male, and they remembered enough for her not to have to figure out whether or not to have the ‘supernatural stuff is real’ talk with them. All in all, it was the best case scenario! So why the hell did it hurt so damn much?

It took a second for Spencer to get her wind back enough to be able to start to even formulate an answer. “We got it taken care of.”

“How?” Emily asked.

Taking a deliberate look around her, Spencer tried to figure out some kind of answer even as she brought her eyes back to her friends. _Distract them._ She needed to delay this somehow until she could think of – something. “This probably isn’t the best place to be having this conversation, guys. Let’s just say they knew someone with the right kind of power to be able to help me.” That wasn’t a lie, technically. Gabriel _had_ helped her quite a bit. Even if it wasn’t quite in the way she’d originally hoped for.

More must’ve shown on her face than she wanted. When her gaze landed on Derek, he was watching her carefully, his eyes dark with concern. “You’re sure you’re okay, Reid?”

“Yeah.” She knew that answer wouldn’t fly with him, but it slid out before she could stop it. The look he gave her for it had her sighing. “I’ll be fine. These kinds of things, they, well, they take a bit of a toll on you. Physically, I’ll be fine. I just need a few days to, recover.” That was the best way she could think of to put it. If this had really been a curse that had been removed, it’d be true, too. Having a curse working in you and removing it somehow would leave a person drained. Gabriel had warned her of that when they’d still thought they might be able to fix her. After a body spends a while fighting a curse and then battles against it as it’s removed, it took its toll on a body. Drained it of a bit of energy. If that had really happened, she would’ve been tired.

For the most part, they seemed to buy her response. Enough to leave her alone, anyways, at least for a while. They didn't bother her too much through the workday. Spencer was grateful the day seemed to be an easy one – just a lot of paperwork. That allowed her to mostly blank out as she worked.

Honestly, if someone asked her later how her day went, Spencer wasn’t sure she’d even be able to answer them. All she could really recall later was the blur of people and paperwork and not much else. Not until Derek was there at her shoulder, startling her out of her daze and telling her it was time to go home. “Already?” Spencer asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

The concern in Derek’s eyes grew. He masked it well, though. “Yeah, kid. C’mon, I’ll give you a ride home.” When she looked up at him contemplatively, he broke enough to smile at her. “I promise I won’t quiz you. You look like you’re gonna fall over, anyways.”

In that moment she was more than grateful for the friend she’d found in Derek. He would be true to his offer, she knew. There’d be no questions or quizzing or anything like that. He’d save it all for another day. Right now, he was offering her exactly what she needed – a quiet ride home.

A smile curved Spencer’s lips, and she lost some of the tension that had been sitting in her all day. “That’d be great.”

“C’mon then, kid. Let’s get you home.”

CXCX

It felt both good and strange to be back inside her home.

Just as she’d known he would, Derek had driven her home without bothering her about anything. He hadn’t asked any questions or pushed her on anything. In fact, he’d switched the radio to a classical station he kept programmed in his car just for her, and they’d made most of the ride home to the quiet sounds of classical music playing lowly in the background. It was just what she’d needed to help her come down from such a stressful day.

Now that she was home, though… some of that stress was starting to creep back in.

She’d done okay at first as she walked around her living room. Being back home, it was weird, yeah, after so long at the bunker, but it was nice. Nice to be amongst her own things. Spencer just let her hands run over things as she walked around. It felt like home, even if it was a little quieter than what she’d grown used to lately. She’d sort of grown used to the sounds of the bunker. Someone was always talking or doing something, or there was some sort of music going, or countless other things. Rarely was Spencer alone. There was Dean, who she’d found herself talking about cars with sometimes over coffee, or Castiel, who had started to slowly get under her skin despite her initial dislike of him. There was Kevin, who was working so hard to try and get all the information he could from the tablet, who was a _prophet of the Lord_ , and yet he somehow he always looked at Spencer like she was the amazing one for all the knowledge she had. And then there were Sam and Gabriel… Spencer didn’t have words for them and for all they had done for her, all they’d changed for her.

It took a few minutes after that for her to gather her composure together again.

Standing in the middle of her living room wondering and worrying about things wasn’t going to do her any good. Spencer shook her growing melancholy off and headed back towards her bedroom. Maybe getting out of her work clothes and into regular clothes would help relax her a bit.

Seeing her bags on her bed had her smiling a little. Gabriel must’ve snapped them in. The smile she wore grew when she opened up the bags and found her clothes inside. It felt good – better than it should, really, her time at the bunker had made her soft – to strip down from her work clothes. Taking her bra off had her letting out a happy sigh of relief. Oh, yeah, she’d really come to appreciate why women were always so happy to do that at the end of a long day. She pulled on a pair of pajama pants and a tank top. When she saw a certain plaid shirt rolled up in the side of the bag, she laughed. “You guys are the best.” She murmured to herself. Putting on Sam’s shirt made her feel just a bit closer to him.

A lot more comfortable now, Spencer figured she might as well start the job of unloading her clothes and putting them away. Maybe it would help her unwind and feel just a little more settled in her home again.

Only, she hadn’t counted on how it would feel to open up her closet and catch sight of all the clothes hanging in there.

Why it was this, out of everything today, that finally got to her, she didn’t know. But Spencer froze as she stared in at the closet full of men’s clothes. It shouldn’t have bothered her so much, yet it did. It really did. Everywhere else, things seemed to have changed with her, reflecting this new life that she was in. But here was solid, tangible proof of who she’d used to be before this had happened.

Spencer had to turn her head away in an attempt to get herself back under control. If might’ve worked – if her eyes hadn’t landed on a picture on her dresser. The sight of the picture had her going completely still.

It was one of her favorite photos. In it, she was holding Henry, the little boy laughing happily on her lap while JJ bent over her shoulder, making a silly face at the boy. Spencer had always loved that photo. But now, as she stared at it, she felt something inside of her break. Because that wasn’t her in that photo. Or, more accurately, it wasn’t _him_. The curse apparently didn’t just change everyone’s memories. Somehow, it changed _everything_. How the hell did that work? How the hell did it have enough power to change _photos_ of her?

She didn’t even realize she was moving until suddenly the photo was in her hand and flying across the room. The crash of glass against the wall was strangely satisfying. Pain and rage boiled up in Spencer. Before she knew it, another picture was flying, and then another. Then – well, later on, Spencer would admit she might’ve gone just slightly crazy. Every picture, every item on her dresser, was sent flying across the room. It wasn’t fair! It _wasn’t fair_! She let out a scream as she tore apart her room in a fit of grief-fueled rage.

The drawers were practically ripped out of her dresser in her effort to get to the clothes inside. Sitting in there were all her boxers and ties, all the things that marked _his_ life. Spencer sent those flying as well, tossing them over to the door just to get them the hell out of here. The clothes in her closet were next. She ripped them off the hangers so hard she could hear some of them tearing. It wasn’t until a pair of pants became stuck that her temper lost its outlet. She yanked and tugged, determined to get them _out of there_ , out of this damn closet and out of her apartment. Erased, just like every other damn part of her old life. But they stuck stubbornly in place until, finally, they broke free.

She stumbled backward and straight down to the ground when the pants finally broke free. Spencer threw them anyways, half falling once more as she did, and a strangled sob broke its way free.

The next second all of her rage was gone, and the only thing left was the grief. Sobs tore free before she could stop them. All she could do was curl her body in against the pain of it and cry. Cry for all that had happened, all that was changed, all that she’d _lost_. She cried and cried until her body was shaking and she felt like she was going to be sick.

Of course, that had to be when they found her.

It was kind of scary to think just how much she’d adjusted to their presence in her life. She didn’t even flinch when she suddenly heard Sam’s voice right near her, murmuring a soft “Ah, dammit, Spencer.” She didn’t pull back as he dropped down onto the ground beside her and reached out for her. With no one there to see her and her own walls too low to give a damn about stupid things like pride or embarrassment, she practically climbed into Sam’s lap, letting him pull her in close and cradle her like a child. Another hand joined in, cupping the side of her face, and Spencer didn’t have to look up from where she’d buried her face against Sam’s neck to see who it was. Gabriel sat down in front of them both and leaned in enough to drape himself across her hip and curl his upper half in between her chest and Sam’s.

The two of them stayed wrapped around her like that until long after her tears had gone. Gabriel eventually pulled a handkerchief out of thin air and used it to gently wipe the tears off of her face. When she blinked open sore and swollen eyes, she found him watching her with a soft, sad look on his face. “H-How…?”

She could only manage to croak out one word, yet it was enough for them to understand her. “I know you.” Sam said softly. He bent and pressed a kiss against the top of her head, warming her just a little. “You hold too much in, Spencer. I knew you’d break once you were here and you had to see your friends again. So I convinced Gabe to bring us out.”

“Didn’t take much convincing,” Gabriel said. He ran the handkerchief underneath her eye again and then rubbed his knuckle over her cheek, smiling at her.

As much as her brain was trying to insist that she would be fine and that they didn’t have to be here babying her like this, the rest of her didn’t want to protest. That part of her clung tightly to them and held on even as Sam shifted and carefully gathered her up in his arms before he rose to his feet. There was a snap, and Spencer felt the clothes on her body shift into something a bit more comfortable – one of Sam’s shirts and a pair of boxers. Sam’s shirt was different, too, she noticed, and the bed that he was gently laying her down on wasn’t as messy as she knew it’d been moments before.

The pain and grief that had seemed so much before couldn’t hold out against the love that she felt for the two men who laid down with her and wrapped themselves around her. They didn’t say anything, didn’t promise her it was going to be okay or that it was going to get better or anything like that. They just curled up with her in her bed – a bed she was sure was bigger than it had been before – and they held on to her long after she’d gone to sleep, using their presence to promise her that she wasn’t going to have to be alone in this. That maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t ever going to have to be alone again.       


End file.
